Day 2.

Day 2,
     I said I wasn't going to do this everyday but here I am.  I have to do something to settle down after a workout. I may as well spend 15 minutes on the computer or so and put down my thoughts for the day and for the exercise. Today was an interesting day. My tummy was rumbling most of the day and it's simply just not happy with the idea that I want to lose weight. I look down at it and tell it tough! My belly, my rules and you will get smaller! So, I got home tonight and we had Tomato soup and that was pretty good. After, the wife and I decided on a yoga to do. Yoga for weight loss what the title of it. It was about 53 minutes long and I was able to almost keep up with it. Turns out, my old life style not only left me fat but I have lost most of my natural flexibility. I could cry about that one thing alone. It's something that I have always had pride about. Now, it's gone. I am sure I can get most of it back but with some of the various injuries I have had I don't think I will ever get it all back. It was good though. I can really find myself want to do it again. I'll work my way up to Julian someday.
     So, that was pretty much it for today. I think I'll start saying one reason why I am doing all this to myself when I post. It will be a good way for me to find some simple motivation at the click of a mouse. So, for tonight here goes.
     Remember why you are putting this strain on your body, it's for the greater good.
     For the next few months your working on yourself more then you thought you would.
     Work harder at this then you have in your life.
     Work to make the jaw drop of your most beautiful wife.
     Let your stresses out or they will come back to haunt you.
     Starting to understand this, what a break though.
     Want the wife to not just look at me with love,
     Want her to remember why she fell for me even though I was undeserving of.

     Wow..  broke out into poem there..  trust me, I will not do that one again. Still, the thoughts in there are true. I love her more today then the first day. I know that sometimes my brain makes more out of something then it should but sometimes it's not that far off. Either way it is what I am thinking. I have made myself a promise that if something pops in that I am going to bring it up with her. If it's not right or I am making too much of it I am going to have to trust her enough to trust me enough to open a dialog about it and tell me I am wrong. Low self-esteem + Fear of exclusion + Fat = a lot of things to work on. I can change. Will I get over all of these things?  I don't know. Will I work on it? You know it.

-C-

about a week in but the blog starts now

     Well, here it is.  I am fat. I am out of shape. I am not leading my children by example.  In short, I have become unhappy. I didn't feel like my wife and I were doing much of anything together, except looking at computer screens while in the same room without talking to each other. I didn't feel like I was able to properly participate in my children's activities this past summer because I didn't feel like I could "keep up." These things really started getting to me bad. When I would rather go for a bike ride or stay home because of the way I was feeling, it just made me more depressed.  I was getting upset with myself but didn't WANT to make the change. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I started giving my marriage some thought. I am not the same person my wife married. How could she still be attracted to me. How could she want to be with me? Why wouldn't she want to find someone that will do all the outdoor activities that she is finding, and liking. As I said, depressed. It's the way my brain goes.
     The kicker here?  I was doing it all to myself. I know I was. The more she went and did with the kids, the more I was unhappy. My biggest fear, I have come to the conclusion of as of the last 5 months or so is exclusion. I don't like it at all and will act way out of my normal calm self if I start to feel that way. However, by not being able to or not wanting to do anything with my family this summer I was excluding myself. Downward spiral much?  So, about a week ago or so I decided, once and for all, I am going to change my body. I may never be the athlete I was in high school again, but I don't know if my family would want that. I may not have the metabolism I had in high school. I may not recover as fast as I once did but I am going to do it.
So, that's my back story, it's the why I have to do this anyways. It's the motivation that I will need to fall back on once and a while. My children, my wife, myself, my family. Obviously I am going to need to fall back on them from time to time. I will need that push. I promise that I will. All I am, and all that I have is love my my family for whom I would do anything for. In this case, the anything is to buckle down and get off my ass.
     So, I guess I need to put it out there. As of last week I weighed 240lbs. I started to diet. I want to get down to at least 200lbs. My body type is such (because of a lot of hours in the gym) that I don't think I would look very good much under 200lbs. However, I plan on getting to 200lbs and then seeing how I look and feel. My plan is to use my fitness pal  to keep track of things as I progress. My user name is chrislague if you care to have a friend on there. Anyways, I have lost 3 lbs so far by just changing what I was eating and, I think, more importantly keeping track of what I am eating. As of today, I have started running on my treadmill.  For that I am using an app for my Windows phone called C25K.  C25K, or couch to 5K is a running trainer designed to get somebody off the couch and running a 5K in 9 weeks at 3 times per week. 27 runs on the treadmill?  Sounds good.
After tonight I think I may have to make it a 10 week. I was weak and couldn't make every run cycle for the full time.  It is kind of a cool app though even if it is mostly just a time that will once and a while tell you to when to walk, run, or cool down.
     So, C25K is one tool in the effort to get back into shape. As I said, it is 3 days a week. The other thing that I am going to do is 3 days of yoga.  At one point the wife was doing yoga almost daily and she not only seemed to really like it but it was almost addictive for her. I used to be very flexible and I hope that yoga will get me a limber again. I also think that it may help me to run a bit better. I may not be an athlete anymore but my legs are the size of a football players. The problem with that is that when I do certain types of exercise the blood pours into my calves and they cramp up. Bad. It started to happen tonight and I wanted so much to stop running to give them a break. This is where I can depend on my wife. She was right down there with me riding a stationary bike looking right at me. If I would have stopped she would have had permission to get me going someway. I will and do need her to help me though this. At least for the first couple of weeks. They are going to be tough, I can feel it already. 30 minutes on the treadmill and my legs are throbbing.
I think that I have written enough for a first blog.  I can't tell you how often I'll write here.  I am going to try to be more focused on my goal then on a blog but I will check back from time to time and update my progress.
     If you have read all this, thanks! I'll even ask you to think of me on my journey and wish me well. I know I am going to need it!

-C